Saturday, December 8, 2007


Oh God, so many emotions swirling within me this morning. I had a hard time sleeping last night. Kibera is overwhelming. The thought of being involved in an orphan ministry here is overwhelming. Knowing there might be a deaf/hard of hearing foster girl, still in a group home in Tucson, is overwhelming.

I kept waking up with these things on my mind. Does God want me to be involved in more than a short term trip to Kenya? Or is my missions involvement to be short trips to support missionaries with the technology skills that I have?

And then I read Fenelon again this morning, and the two short paragraphs slayed me:

"Understand that peace does not depend upon the fervor of your devotion. The only thing you need to be concerned about is the direction of your will.

"The important question is not how religious you are or how devoted, but rather is your will in harmony with God's?....Love Him more than yourself and His glory more than your life. The least you can do is to desire and ask for such a love. God will then pour out upon you that special love which only His children know, and He will give you His peace."

As I reflected on that, and knowing that I need that kind of love, I was once again overwhelmed. I prayed for that love, and began to weep. Not because I didn't have that love, but because He was giving it to me. I know that what I am doing right now is in His will for me. Right now my will is in harmony with His. I wept because Tom Clinton was so excited about me being in Kenya, with my video equipment, at the same time he was, and that we were able to get footage he needed for his project. I wept because of so many generous gifts to support Moriah and I coming here. I wept because all those questions and things that were overwhelming to me are completely out of my hands and in God's hands. He knows the answers. He is the answer.

I love this song by Twila Paris, "When You Speak to Me":

“When You speak to me

When I take the time to listen

There is more than what I think I feel

When You speak to me

When I sit and still the motion

There is nothing left but what is real

There is an answer to every question

The answer is You

“And the heavens open when You speak to me

Pouring light into my waiting heart

And the music fills an ocean silently, quietly

When you speak to me

“When You speak to me

When You call me and surround me

There is peace to cover any pain

When You speak to me

When You place Your word inside me

I am filled and I am strong again

There is a reason for every longing
The reason is You”

As I wept, those words came to me, and as God began to pour His love into my heart (how apt that we can't even love Him more than ourselves without His help), I also received His peace.

My heart is soft right now, tender and raw. Tears are close to filling my eyes. I don't know why God has chosen me, but I am so glad He did.

God, please give me a love for You that is deeper than my love for myself, and a love for Your glory that is greater than my love of my life. Align my will with Yours. Thank You for Your peace. Thank You that You have everything in control. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your plan. Show me where You are going to be working today, and help me to meet You there.

In Jesus' name,


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